It's late, but I can't turn my head off, can't get to sleep. After finding myself ignored for 36 hours, I've felt compelled to employ a bit of those dreaded Rules. No contact initiated by me. So far it's netted me 4 texts, no phone calls.
I hate playing games and the fact that they work, that makes me hate them even more. It doesn't make me feel victorious. It makes me wonder why a man only wants me when I act like I don't want him. Is he that easily manipulated? If I can work him in that way, does that mean anyone can?
Is being an adult and caring about another person ever going to get any simpler?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Another Chance At the Road Not Taken
First, let me blame this post on Jennifer Lopez. I'm watching Jennifer and George Clooney in No way Out and she just said something along the lines of, I want to know what is going to happen. That uncertainty, when you are looking toward a future possibility or something that isn't going to go anywhere, with no clue how it's going to turn out, it's a tough thing to endure. It's hard to say, well I can wait this out, I have all the patience in the world. I do not have all the patience in the world. I like to know how something is going to turn out and I like to know as soon as possible.
I've made the mistake of falling for an old friend. Or maybe it won't turn out to be a mistake. That would be a very pleasant surprise. He's a nice man who has seen more than the usual share of hard times. I've known him since he was 10 years old (and I was 13). Next month will mark the occasion that we shared a kiss 16 years ago. At that point we went back to being friends, never repeating the kiss or even talking about it until recently.
It was only a couple of months ago, maybe a little less, when he found himself single and broken-hearted. He's been my friend for a long time, so when I saw him struggling, I offered up my shoulder. In the span of the last 3 years, I've gone through first one big and then one smaller broken-hearted spell of my own. I'm something of an expert on the subject.
At first he was angry, then he was sad, then he was angry again. Throughout this time he's remained confused. I get the feeling that he doesn't understand what he did to lose her. This is not a good sign. Even someone who is cheated on or lied to or whatever plays some small part in a breakup. To not recognize that part, well that means you are missing an opportunity for growth. You've got to learn to recognize the wrong way before you can learn how to do it the right way.
In talking to this man, he's changed from old friend to new crush. He tells me things, things that other men hold close, things they keep secret. What woman wouldn't respond to that kind of talk? Then, he started with the flirting, asked me to come see him, complimenting my eyes, my face, my whatever. He didn't sound angry anymore. I could feel my mind opening, the lock on my heart loosening a bit. Yesterday he said something along the lines of sleeping beside someone is what gets a man out of bed and to work in the morning, a reason to come back home. Damn, I thought. I liked that.
This is what I've been missing - a man who wants to be loved, who works hard and respects his job, but doesn't think in terms of money signs. I want a man who is complex, but also simple. Someone who shares from his heart and doesn't attack my ideas or politics or the fact that I floss my teeth every day. I don't know if this man will end up being that man, but in seeing this side of an old friend, I'm suddenly really excited about the possibilities.
I've made the mistake of falling for an old friend. Or maybe it won't turn out to be a mistake. That would be a very pleasant surprise. He's a nice man who has seen more than the usual share of hard times. I've known him since he was 10 years old (and I was 13). Next month will mark the occasion that we shared a kiss 16 years ago. At that point we went back to being friends, never repeating the kiss or even talking about it until recently.
It was only a couple of months ago, maybe a little less, when he found himself single and broken-hearted. He's been my friend for a long time, so when I saw him struggling, I offered up my shoulder. In the span of the last 3 years, I've gone through first one big and then one smaller broken-hearted spell of my own. I'm something of an expert on the subject.
At first he was angry, then he was sad, then he was angry again. Throughout this time he's remained confused. I get the feeling that he doesn't understand what he did to lose her. This is not a good sign. Even someone who is cheated on or lied to or whatever plays some small part in a breakup. To not recognize that part, well that means you are missing an opportunity for growth. You've got to learn to recognize the wrong way before you can learn how to do it the right way.
In talking to this man, he's changed from old friend to new crush. He tells me things, things that other men hold close, things they keep secret. What woman wouldn't respond to that kind of talk? Then, he started with the flirting, asked me to come see him, complimenting my eyes, my face, my whatever. He didn't sound angry anymore. I could feel my mind opening, the lock on my heart loosening a bit. Yesterday he said something along the lines of sleeping beside someone is what gets a man out of bed and to work in the morning, a reason to come back home. Damn, I thought. I liked that.
This is what I've been missing - a man who wants to be loved, who works hard and respects his job, but doesn't think in terms of money signs. I want a man who is complex, but also simple. Someone who shares from his heart and doesn't attack my ideas or politics or the fact that I floss my teeth every day. I don't know if this man will end up being that man, but in seeing this side of an old friend, I'm suddenly really excited about the possibilities.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I Won't Label Him A Cad, Yet
It's always easier to figure out another person's relationship. Have you ever noticed that? When we observe we tend to go, oh no, I wouldn't stand for that....
Many times the relationship stress stems from not knowing where a relationship stands. Friends? More than friends? Going somewhere? Only going to the bedroom? Going out the door?
I'm in the beginning stages of just such a relationship. I have been friends with a man for about 30 years, from way back before he was a man, to be truly accurate. Just a cute, little hormonal kid with a great head of hair. He is now a cute, little hormonal man with a great head of hair. And he's sweet. But he is a man, so he's also complicated.
He invited me down to spend some time with him this Summer.(He lives 3 hours away). I was supposed to be there right now, but he ended up having to work, then move, so we've rescheduled. Part of me finds this re-schedule fishy even though he's said that our visit is all he's thinking about, etc. I hate to admit it, but after spending 3 years married to a liar and then a year and a half dating another liar, well I've got serious trust issues. I want to be open and not taint something before it even gets a chance, but my instinct is to label him a cad of some sort or other and move on.
I would feel much better if he would say something like,"Lessons Learned (yeah, I'm going incognito here), I really like you and I'd like to see if there's something more here." Do men ever say things like that? I'm sure that there are men somewhere who say things like that, but most of the men I've known prefer to hold things close to their chest, keep some of those cards hidden.
So, I'll wait it out some more. See what happens.
Are you any more patient than I am? Do you have trust issues?
Many times the relationship stress stems from not knowing where a relationship stands. Friends? More than friends? Going somewhere? Only going to the bedroom? Going out the door?
I'm in the beginning stages of just such a relationship. I have been friends with a man for about 30 years, from way back before he was a man, to be truly accurate. Just a cute, little hormonal kid with a great head of hair. He is now a cute, little hormonal man with a great head of hair. And he's sweet. But he is a man, so he's also complicated.
He invited me down to spend some time with him this Summer.(He lives 3 hours away). I was supposed to be there right now, but he ended up having to work, then move, so we've rescheduled. Part of me finds this re-schedule fishy even though he's said that our visit is all he's thinking about, etc. I hate to admit it, but after spending 3 years married to a liar and then a year and a half dating another liar, well I've got serious trust issues. I want to be open and not taint something before it even gets a chance, but my instinct is to label him a cad of some sort or other and move on.
I would feel much better if he would say something like,"Lessons Learned (yeah, I'm going incognito here), I really like you and I'd like to see if there's something more here." Do men ever say things like that? I'm sure that there are men somewhere who say things like that, but most of the men I've known prefer to hold things close to their chest, keep some of those cards hidden.
So, I'll wait it out some more. See what happens.
Are you any more patient than I am? Do you have trust issues?
Image credit: Wikipedia
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Rules I Like & the Rules I Like To Break
I've been reading Books 1 & 2 of The Rules. Have you ever read them? Do you have an opinion of the concept of using rules to lure a man into marriage or a committed relationship?
After reading Book 1, I've decided that Book 2 will not be required reading for me. It's not that I think they've got it wrong. On the contrary, they have a good point - Men are hunters by nature. They want to win you after performing some sort of impressive feat to attain you.
My issues with the books can be boiled down to this:
They make it too complicated. There are too many rules. No one can keep that going forever.... and they do recommend doing it forever.
I've come up with my own Rules:
*Be yourself- I can only play by any sort of Rules for a short length of time. In the end, I'm going to be me. I don't know how to be anyone else.
*Don't be too available, because as silly as it sounds, men do enjoy a bit of a chase. They are hunters deep down. Men accuse women of being complicated, but they are pretty complicated themselves. They want to have to work for you. If you are too easy to "get" then you don't appear valuable enough or some such nonsense. Whatever. It's easy, don't look like you are waiting around for them to call/text/visit.
*Live a full life. Have lots of friends, interests, work, fun, whatever. Don't make your life all about any man. That's too much responsibility for any person and it will only lead to disappointment.
Isn't that an easy set of rules? It boils down to value yourself and others will value you, as well.
Another thing,....I have a friend who keeps saying he's too emotional and I have a female friend who says she gives too many chances to people. These are not failings. They show a strong heart, not a weak one. I have struggled with the same sort of thoughts, felt that I was somehow "wrong" in some way. I'm not wrong. He's not wrong. She's not wrong.
You can't change who you are, but you can change the way you will allow yourself to be treated. I strongly believe that the main reason my male friend is unique, the reason that people are drawn to him, is directly related to how emotional he is, how much he loves or hurts or feels. Sure some people aren't going to like it, but that's fine - not everybody has to get you. Same with my female friend and me. Not everybody is going to mesh with our personality, but that's fine.
Rule # 1: No Diving in.
After reading Book 1, I've decided that Book 2 will not be required reading for me. It's not that I think they've got it wrong. On the contrary, they have a good point - Men are hunters by nature. They want to win you after performing some sort of impressive feat to attain you.
My issues with the books can be boiled down to this:
They make it too complicated. There are too many rules. No one can keep that going forever.... and they do recommend doing it forever.
I've come up with my own Rules:
*Be yourself- I can only play by any sort of Rules for a short length of time. In the end, I'm going to be me. I don't know how to be anyone else.
*Don't be too available, because as silly as it sounds, men do enjoy a bit of a chase. They are hunters deep down. Men accuse women of being complicated, but they are pretty complicated themselves. They want to have to work for you. If you are too easy to "get" then you don't appear valuable enough or some such nonsense. Whatever. It's easy, don't look like you are waiting around for them to call/text/visit.
*Live a full life. Have lots of friends, interests, work, fun, whatever. Don't make your life all about any man. That's too much responsibility for any person and it will only lead to disappointment.
Isn't that an easy set of rules? It boils down to value yourself and others will value you, as well.
Another thing,....I have a friend who keeps saying he's too emotional and I have a female friend who says she gives too many chances to people. These are not failings. They show a strong heart, not a weak one. I have struggled with the same sort of thoughts, felt that I was somehow "wrong" in some way. I'm not wrong. He's not wrong. She's not wrong.
You can't change who you are, but you can change the way you will allow yourself to be treated. I strongly believe that the main reason my male friend is unique, the reason that people are drawn to him, is directly related to how emotional he is, how much he loves or hurts or feels. Sure some people aren't going to like it, but that's fine - not everybody has to get you. Same with my female friend and me. Not everybody is going to mesh with our personality, but that's fine.
Hello and What Am I Doing Here?
I'm a freelance writer. I make my money writing about..... well mostly about beauty products lately, but just a short time ago I was a relationship blogger. I wrote the former Dating Dames blog. I enjoyed the work, but when the job ended, I also enjoyed the break.
I've written about dating, breaking up, how to get along, how to argue, and I've covered meeting a man online in great depth. Many of the stories were my own, but I also did a fair amount of research - books, anecdotes from friends/neighbors/acquaintanences, articles, blah, blah, on and on...
Relationships, people in love or lust, they fascinate me. What motivates them? How are they able to meet, to make it work?
In case you are curious, here's a bit of background on me.....
I'm 43. I was married for 3 year and I've been divorced for a long time. I'm a single mom. I've spent the last 19 years either single and not looking, single and actively looking, in a committed relationship, or casually dating. Whether I had a man of my own or not, men are never far from my mind. I've never out-grown the boy-craziness that developed sometime during the first week of kingergarten. I blame my mom, who is herself a boy-crazy woman of 64. Some of us never outgrow our love of men and I for one, am very glad to have discovered that.
I'm going to use this blog to do a few things. Including......
*Talk about my dating/relationship experience in the hope that it will help you
*Review books or articles on dating and/or relationships
*Give advice, because in my search for Mr. Right, I've run across quite a few Mr. Wrongs. No better lessons than those learned from the wrong guy.
I feel that when it comes to relationships, experience is the very best teacher. Come young grasshopper, allow me to share the benefit of my experience...........
Not a grasshopper......
I've written about dating, breaking up, how to get along, how to argue, and I've covered meeting a man online in great depth. Many of the stories were my own, but I also did a fair amount of research - books, anecdotes from friends/neighbors/acquaintanences, articles, blah, blah, on and on...
Relationships, people in love or lust, they fascinate me. What motivates them? How are they able to meet, to make it work?
In case you are curious, here's a bit of background on me.....
I'm 43. I was married for 3 year and I've been divorced for a long time. I'm a single mom. I've spent the last 19 years either single and not looking, single and actively looking, in a committed relationship, or casually dating. Whether I had a man of my own or not, men are never far from my mind. I've never out-grown the boy-craziness that developed sometime during the first week of kingergarten. I blame my mom, who is herself a boy-crazy woman of 64. Some of us never outgrow our love of men and I for one, am very glad to have discovered that.
I'm going to use this blog to do a few things. Including......
*Talk about my dating/relationship experience in the hope that it will help you
*Review books or articles on dating and/or relationships
*Give advice, because in my search for Mr. Right, I've run across quite a few Mr. Wrongs. No better lessons than those learned from the wrong guy.
I feel that when it comes to relationships, experience is the very best teacher. Come young grasshopper, allow me to share the benefit of my experience...........
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